...if only in my dreams." I have thought a lot about that song over this Christmas season. Although this is the four Christmas we have been on a mission, it is the first one where we were literally far from home and any of our other kids, family, and friends. It has been a sacrifice, more than I expected it would be and it has caused me to think a lot about Christmases past and "being home for Christmas."
The first aspect that made it hard was that in my mind, I had always planned to have Ben fly out and spend Christmas with us--staying for a couple of weeks and heading back home. I thought that would be good for him to spend some time with us at the middle point of our mission and also allow us to share the holidays with him. However, the nature of his illness made that not possible. A few times in October and November, I would get online and look at flights and ways that I could fly to Utah and fly back with Ben and then do the reverse to return in back, but there were no easy flights that made sense and it is such an expensive time to travel as well. I wanted to make it work, but it was not right and it didn't make sense to force it to work. I knew that Ben would spend the day with Jessica and family and he loves being with her kids. It was a small thing but it became a symbol of my willingness to serve a mission at this time in Arkansas. I had a peace about that decision and moved forward with the busy Christmas season that I have posted about.
Then, Sister Julie Carter asked me one day what our plans were for Christmas. I said that we would be here. She said, "Oh, you are the first couple that has stayed at Christmas time. The others all went home or to their children's houses from Christmas!" That hit me--that is what I wanted to do as well--but then I thought about those sweet missionaries in our zone who we love dearly--some have been away from home for almost 2 years, others just a month, and they would all be here, serving the Lord on Christmas day. Could we do anything different? I wanted to go home, but more than anything, I wanted to be a missionary right now and that meant being here in Ft. Smith for Christmas! I am glad that I had already gone through that whole process before that conversation, so it was just a minor blip for me....it was a sacrifice--a tiny little one really--to be a missionary at Christmas time.
Then Tosha called and told me that they were heading to Utah because Austen's grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer and at 98 years old would not be having treatments for it. They wanted to visit her while she was still feeling well. Again, the pull to be in Utah intensified--now three of our kids and 8 of our grandkids would be there.....I thought it wouldn't be hard to fly home for a day and see everyone and come back--the missionaries would never know....but again, because I had already gone through the process of deciding why we should stay here and not go home, I was able to let those feelings go quickly. God has given us everything--I can give one Christmas here in Arkansas!
And as Gary pointed out----so glad that we hadn't flown Ben in or made plans to go to Utah for Christmas since we were all sick with Covid this week!
"I'll be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams!" Next year!!!!
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