Due to Covid, gatherings are mostly discouraged, but our ward leaders got creative and had a social distancing "BBQ and Drive in Movie." Everyone could park and stay in their cars and food would be delivered by mask and glove wearing ward members. We took a walk around and said hi to people--keeping socially distanced and wearing our masks, of course. It was a nice way to end a very busy week.
It is getting closer, whether we are ready or not.
When we were choosing the casket, it was decided that we would order a cardinal designed inlay to be placed in the top half of the casket. Mom Hall loved birds and especially cardinals. However, it was unable to be used because the dimensions were not correct for the particular casket. No problem, it was a small thing. However, they gave us the finished cardinal which got the name "Coffin Cardinal."
After a few days of tiring work, Charon and Gary decided to hid the cardinal in the back of Vonette's car so that it would "scare" her when they began unloading their truck at home. Unfortunately, she opened it to add things before leaving, so when Gary went out to his trunk, this is what he found blocking his back window that night.
One day while we were cleaning the house, Gary needed to drive a trailer load of things up to his sister's home which is in the Ogden Valley near Nordic Ski Lodge. He told me to come with him because you "need to see how beautiful the leaves are."
As I left for the ER on Monday morning, October 5 (I know you are wondering WHEN I will ever be done with this week. That is much how it felt to me as well, living it.), Gary was heading to his mom's house to meet with his two sisters to talk about how to manage the items in the house and property. The goal was to set priorities and guidelines for the process and to "make sure every one agrees with every decision." I thought it was a discussion only to plan how things will be done and set some type of timetable to accomplish it. To my surprise, when I headed there after getting Ben settled in the hospital's inpatient unit, they were already making piles and cleaning closets. It was incredible how much they had done in just a few hours.
I wasn't really prepared for all of that. It felt so soon to me and I felt like I still needed a day or a week to process her passing before managing the house stuff. However, Gary and his sisters seemed to embrace the tasks and seemed to be taking comfort in the process. Later in the week, I talked to Charon about it and she said that she had wondered how I was feeling. She said for her, it was the last service she could do for her mom on earth and she wanted to do it right and quickly. Doing it brought her peace as well as tears, but it was good.
There were general guidelines about taking things that you had given Mom Hall in the past plus she had identified some items and where she wanted them to go. After that, the three siblings decided between themselves where things were going--
By the time I got there on Monday, Gary already had spoken for the red children's cups and the scale that Mom had in her laundry room. That made me cry. Those were the two items in the whole house that I connected to my kids and to Grandma's house. I didn't know Gary was also sentimental like that. My kids always want to drink out of the red little cups which she kept in a lower cabinet for them to reach--and to get water and ice from her fridge (a great treat before we had a similar thing at home). And the scale--like Scott said, "Iconic!" Often when our kids were younger, they would take off their shoes at the door and run into the laundry room to weigh themselves and see how tall they were. Now we can have that same memory with our grandchildren--and maybe someday it will pass down to one of our children as well. It is funny the memories that are tied up in little every day things!
From the time Scott and Tosha arrived on Wednesday evening until they left--Scott on Sunday morning and Tosha and family on early morning Monday--I basically only saw them on Wednesday evening and at the funeral. Despite that, I was so comforted by them being in town--both to honor their grandmother, but also to provide support to Gary and I and to Jena. Knowing that they were here allowed us to be with Ben as much as we needed to be. It allowed Gary to take a break from everything and enjoy a day at Lagoon on Saturday--his first break in weeks. Their texts and calls along with those from Jessica helped us keep grounded during this hard week.
And Tosha took time away from her family to clean my refrigerator and organize my pantry--two tasks on my "to-do' list which I hadn't gotten to yet...and truly would still not have done without her help. Gary told me that he tried to stop her, but not TOO hard! I was so grateful. Jena continued to take care of the laundry and other tasks as well that helped the house hold together.
Scott and Tosha and Austen and family were also able to spend some time with the Page cousins on Saturday night. Then Tosha and Austen visited some other family on Sunday and then headed back for more time with their cousins. Cousin time is special and I was grateful that they got to spend some time together outside the funeral day.
Even though I missed being with them, knowing that life was happening outside of the ER room and that Gary and Jena were being surrounded by family made a big difference for me. It allowed Gary and I to do what we felt was needed for Ben. We are so blessed by their kindness and goodness.
Families are the best!
One of the tasks of the week prior to the funeral was to gather photos to provide to the funeral home so that they could make a video to be shown during the viewing and put on the mortuary's website. We had stayed up late on Tuesday night getting stuff together, but then had to leave it with Charon and Vonette to finish up and get to the mortuary. In the process, they saw these two photos we added:
Like a complicated piece of music, the interplay between Ben's hospital experience and the loss of Gary's mom (and the week of funeral related things) pulled my emotions in some many directions. And then the third--a very minor theme-was added in. It was my own private addition to the symphony (to continue the music theme). Due to privacy issues, I can only touch upon briefly, but it was an interesting experience and related to being a therapist. Maybe in the future, I will have a descendant who works in a related field and they might benefit from this brief experience.
As a social worker, we have very clear and important guidelines regarding our interactions with clients and former clients. In school, these were repeated often, loudly, and with emphasis. My professor, Susan, had served on the DOPL Board who reviewed violations of these ethics and randomly she would add, "Please don't sleep with your clients!" That is a big one, but there are hundreds of related concerns which mainly are summed up by "Don't have any interactions with clients or former clients outside of the therapy relationship." There are some exceptions which are needed for situations like in small rural communities where you might have been providing therapy for the only dentist where you also need to get dental care. But they are still guided by principles of ethics.
Now my story:
On the day of my mother-in-law's passing, we headed to the mortuary in the early afternoon. It wasn't until we were driving there that I realized that I had a former client who worked there as one of the funeral directors. If he was assigned our case, that would be a violation of establishing a business relationship with a former client. Although I usually had a conversation with clients about how if I saw them in public I would ignore them unless they wanted to approach me, it had been several months since I saw this particular former client and I wasn't sure how he would feel to see me at his place of business. My plan became that I would try to look for him and have the conversation with him, so he could decide if he prefer to not work with us due to that prior relationship. Fortunately, we had had a positive therapeutic relationship so I felt confident that he could make that decision in his best interests.
However, I did not see him in my walk through the building to the bathroom and back. As we were seated as a family in an office, I just was hoping that someone else would be assigned and we would "dodge this bullet." The situation is complicated not only by the ethics of the situation, but as a result of things that we had talked about related to his work. I needed someone to provide a specific type of services and I didn't not want to feel like I had to temper my expectations because of things I knew as a therapist.
But of course, he was the one that walked through the door and he immediately acknowledged me as a friend so I introduced him to Gary and my sisters-in-law and their husbands. One of my sister-in-laws said that it made the whole experience feel more personal and warm because "we knew each other." At the end of that first appointment, he shared with everyone that he was especially grateful to provide this service to us as a family because of how much I have helped him and his family. He, of course, has every right to disclose whatever he wants while I can not. That did make it a bit easier.
The next morning, I reached out to Dave, my boss at Family Services, and had a consult with him. After learning what not to do with former clients, the second thing we learned was to "consult" if we have a question. "Consult" was the correct answer on several of the ethics questions on the Clinical social work exam. It is an important part of being a social worker. It was good to talk it out. He asked me to have a private conversation with my former client which I did. Like he had expressed to our family on the first day and in a text to Gary, he felt it was a privilege to assist our family with his skills as I had helped them. Then he said, "I know I shouldn't have, but I told (his wife) that I had seen you and she said, "I love that woman." She was also grateful that he was able to help us at this tender time.
So it worked out...and probably in the best way possible.
So--"Avoid, Consult, Discuss"--the keys when your life and your work collide.
It reads: When can I be with Wayne again?
What can I do to prepare?
Go to the temple and LISTEN to the sealing words and understand.
This note stands as a testimony both of her love of her husband and her faith. How sad it was for us to read those words on a slip of paper in her scriptures--When can I be with Wayne again? But we took great pride in her moving forward in faith for 13 years until they could be reunited. She is an example to me of enduring to the end and enduring all things! Undoubtedly a lesson that Gary or I will have to use sometime in our own lives.
My talk was centered on her grandchildren and their memories of Grandma Holly--
Loves
You More Than Tulips
I first met Holly when I was a sophomore at
BYU. My roommate Jody had dated Gary
during our freshman year and conned me into going up to Syracuse twice before
he left on his mission—the last one being his mission farewell.
After saying our goodbyes at the gathering after the
farewell, Holly followed Jody and I out to the car to say another goodbye and
to thank us for coming. Then she turned
to me and said, I will see you when he gets back. I quickly responded that ”
no, he was dating Jody and she was the one that she might see after his
mission.” She looked at me with a
knowing look and said slowly, "No I think it is you I will see." Jody and I had a good laugh about that..but
the laugh was on me when three years later when Gary called them totally out of
the blue to announce that he was engaged to Judy Giberson. They were delighted and Holly said that she
remembered me. From that beginning moment, Holly embraced me as her daughter in
law and loved and supported me. She often
told me how much she appreciated the way that I supported Gary ---well, except
for that time I supported him in taking a job in Hong Kong and moved there with
our two small children. THEN she told me
that she wished I was a “Utah girl” who won’t leave. I thought that was a hilarious story until I
became a grandmother myself.
Being a grandmother was one of her favorite roles in
life and watching her grandchildren become parents themselves was one of her
reasons for “being” in the years since Grandpa died. She loved her grandchildren and
great-grandchildren. She thought about
them, prayed for them, worried about them and took great joy in their lives. I never heard her compare them or prefer one
over another. She loved them all and I
am sure much of her conversation right now in Heaven is telling Wayne about
them and the great grandchildren and the
fun times they had together.
As much as Grandma loved her grandchildren, they
loved her and they are feeling her loss.
This week has been a tender time of remembering for them as well and I
would like to share a few of their memories which serves as a representation of
the experiences they all had as grandchildren of Holly.
When I married
Gary, Matt, the oldest grandchild was already in the family. He was a red-headed one year old who we all
adored. Three more brothers to Matt
arrived before the rest of us even began our families. Over the span of 22 years, 23 grandchildren
joined the family in a variety of ways.
Holly embraced them all.
Melissa shared: “One year when I was little, Young Men’s and Young Women’s camps were in the same week. This meant that everyone in my family was gone to camp except for me. I got to go stay with Grandma and Grandpa Hall and they took me to Bear Lake. I picked raspberries for the first time and I rode a horse. At the time, I remember thinking that it was one of the coolest things that I ever got to do.”
Matt and Nate both remember playing at Grandma’s
house when they were little. Matt said,
“We were terrible.” While they can remember that Grandpa raised his voice to
put them in life, Grandma was always kind, calm and patient with them. They can’t remember her ever getting mad at
them.
Scott said that as he got older, he had
opportunities to help Grandma with repairs and maintenance around her
house. However, Grandma was always right
next to him—trying to help with the project, making sure he was okay and trying
to anticipate each thing he would need.
He said, “I was there trying to help her and she was busy helping me.”
There is the whole story of the gun and the magpies but we will leave that for
another day.
Jake and his family lived next door to Grandma and
Grandpa as they grew up. He shared the following memory. “When we were kids we
always wanted to spend our Saturdays at Lagoon or playing with friends, but
sometimes we had to stay home and do yard work, like all families do. It would
get really hot and we would get so tired and probably whiney. Around noon, we
would start to keep one eye on Grandma’s house, because we knew she might see
us out there working. When she did, Grandma would go to Island Oasis to pick up
burgers and shakes. She always got shakes with M&Ms and we got to take a
break in the shade. If we were lucky, mom would start chatting and before we knew
it we were off the hook for the rest of the day!”
Christie remember when Carmen her older sister turned 16
that Grandma took both of them to a glamour shot studio where they did their
hair and makeup and took photos.
Afterwards, Grandma let them walk around the mall to show off their new
look.
Bryon remembered how he loved playing at Grandma’s
like his brothers although not the “terrible five boys part.” He said that he remembers that they always
sat on the landing to the living room to remove their shoes when they came into
the house and then again to put them back on.
Even now, as he entered Grandma’s house he thinks of that and
subconsciously wants to sit down and take his shoes off before anything else.
Adam stated that he always remembered her smiling.
“She was always so selfless and kind.”
Jessica remembers extended family trips with the
boat and being pulled and dumped off the big inner tubes. Jessica also commented she “loved watching her at holiday events—she
would just soak in the happiness and energy of the grandkids and then the great
grandchildren.”
Chera said: “When I was about 6 years old, I remember
that I was once playing outside and the birds were chirping very loudly. I was
curious about them, and went to get a closer look at them. Grandma Holly walked
up behind me and I heard her very distinct laugh. She told me that the birds
were actually saying: “Chera is a pretty little girl.” She did a sing-song
sentence in time with the birds. I remember thinking that was so great- the
birds were singing about me. On some days when the birds were loud she would
come outside and sing it to me again. I don’t even know what kind of birds sing
this tune, but every time I hear it I remember her voice and the song she
sung.”
In the photo video,
you may have noticed the picture of Nikki with Grandma under a umbrella. Grandma had gone to see Nikki perform in
Weber High’s “Singing in the Rain.” Jena’s memory was also of Grandma attending
her theatre performances at Clearfield High and CenterPoint. Jena and Grandma both loved the theatre and
have attended many performances together including a trip to San Francisco to
see “Lion King.”
With most of the
grandchildren living close by for at least part of their growing up years, the number
of plays, dance recitals, flute and piano recitals, soccer and volleyball
games, drum rolls, graduations, and parades she attended along with the serious
stuff of births, baby blessings, baptisms, and marriages is probably impossible
to calculate. Many of the grandchildren have memories of that support. She loved clapping for her grandchildren and
great grandchildren.
Even at these events
she continued to serve as an example to her grandchildren. Matt shared a time
where they went to dinner with her after she attended their son’s drum roll
event. They were at Texas Roadhouse when
a waitress accidently knocked a Texas size glass of ice water directly onto his
lap. He was hit first with the shock of
the ice cold water but before he could formulate a response, he heard a quiet
chuckle to his left and he turned and looked at Grandma—She shrugged her
shoulders and said a small “Oops” in her sweet voice. That response totally defused the situation
and he simply excused himself to the bathroom to clean up. Grandma had a way to
laugh at life’s annoyances.
Christie posted some
sweet thoughts on Facebook and I share a part of that with her permission: “My
grandma's smile would always light up the room and make every get together that
much more enjoyable! She and my grandpa sacrificed so much every year so that
our families could celebrate holidays in ways we couldn't afford to before.
Grandma Hall had the best yard for Easter egg hunts, Christmas gatherings,
Thanksgiving feast and other special events! Not because of the size or the
beauty of her home but the simple fact it was My grandparent's warm welcoming
smiles at the front door, the moments of gathering around her Christmas tree
peaking at the gifts while the grownups cracked walnuts around the TV in the living
room visiting with one another. Or the times we entered to laughter and the
smell of a delicious meal awaiting our hungry bellies. Every part of her home
brings back memories of pure joy and endless love! “
A few weeks ago when Holly was being discharged from
the hospital into hospice care, my children were texting and asking what they
could do. At some point Tosha asked what
her favorite flower was. I asked
Gary. He didn’t know. A few days later, Jena came home from a visit
at Grandma’s house and told me that her favorite flower was a tulip. I wasn’t even aware that Jena had heard that
conversation. That is why you see tulips
in this arrangement and in the grand mother arrangement.
To the grandchildren and also to share with your
children—Grandma Holly loved you each individually and she loved you
collectively. She loved watching you
interact with each other and with your own children. I am sure that she would want me to thank you
for your phone calls, Christmas photos, and visits. She appreciated them all. She loved you sharing your children with her
and for supporting our big family gatherings at Christmas, Easter, and Chili
and Scones at Halloween and our family reunions at the Slide house. As your aunt, I want to thank you for the
time you took to celebrate her 85th birthday in August. Many times in the last week of her life she
said: “I want the great grandchildren to
remember me like I was that day—laughing, giving elbow bumps, and getting
splashed as they came down the water slide.”
So, my beloved nieces and nephews, that becomes your
task—to remember and to share with your children that love of Grandma Holly.
In the scriptures we are commanded to remember. Remember God, Christ and the Atonement, the
plan of salvation..the list goes on because there is great power in
remembering. It is important that your
memories and mine of Holly are shared with her great grandchildren and then past
on.
She is a woman of faith, grace, and kindness who worked
hard, built a business and so much more.
A verse of scripture sums her up.
It is the 13th Article of Faith:
We believe
in being honest,
true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to
all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe
all things, we hope all
things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all
things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or
of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Remember your memories
so that you can follow her example and lead the life you were meant to lead
just like she did all the way to the very end. She endured all things. And remember she loved you more than even
tulips.
I am not even sure how you document an event of a funeral of someone that you loved.
There are the facts:
Viewing from 9:00-10:30 where family and friends came in masks and social distancing to pay their respects and share their love and concern for us and for our loss. So many of the old Syracuse people came as Holly (and Wayne) were part of them having made their home here since 1959.
There were so many beautiful flower arrangements---
10:30-11:00 was the family time. Sweet moment when all five Page brothers who have already lost their mom stood together around the casket as they said goodbye to their grandmother. Another moment when Gary and his sisters gather together just before the shutting of the casket. These are sweet moments not to be forgotten.
11:00- just after 12:00 the actual funeral-
Charon and Vonette read the obituary and shared their thoughts and feelings.
I shared the grandchildren's memories
Then a dear friend, Randy Gailey, sang "Lara's Theme: Somewhere My Love"-- something requested by Holly
Gary spoke and shared thoughts and memories from the extended family and also a sweet note he found in his mother's scriptures:
Bishop Hein spoke a few words and that part was done.
The graveside dedication was done at the Syracuse Cemetery, the place that someday Gary and I will also be buried in a small family area.
The emotions and thoughts during this time are the tender ones that come when you love and were loved by someone else. Gary's mom was not like me, but she loved me and accepted me from the very beginning. There is something holy about the passing of someone and I think that I could attend the funeral of a complete stranger and still leave being touched by something or someone. I think those who attended Holly's funeral felt their own tender feelings and had their own memories of her and other loved ones fill their hearts as well. That is the outcome of a life well lived.
Because of the Covid pandemic, the Church was not available for the traditional family dinner. However, we wanted to have an opportunity to gather with each other and with other family that came in town for the funeral. So it was decided that we would have an outdoor picnic in Holly's backyard. We loved this backyard and have had many family gatherings there. Once we thought of it, we knew it was exactly right to gather there one last time as a family.
Vonette and Charon did all of the work to arrange for Subway sandwiches and soup and desserts from Kneaders--our traditional meal for the Christmas party--and shared it with the extended family. They also set up everything on Thursday with the help of the Page boys and Scott.
There was a pumpkin for every great grandchild who wanted one after they were done serving as centerpieces for the family dinner.
I actually didn't attend the family dinner, but Gary and everyone else said that it was perfect. Food was good and the conversations were better.
I left the gravesite services and headed home to change and returned back to the ER. When I turned on my radio--this was the song that was just starting to play--
