When Ben was in high school, he was the one that introduced me to Josh Groban. He was in choir for a year in high school and also took private voice lessons. In the process of that, he learned a couple of Josh Groban songs and shared them with me. So back in the winter, when it was announced that Josh Groban was coming to Salt Lake in July, I thought it would be fun to take Ben to see him perform. I debated about it back and forth because Ben was still very ill then and he had also just started having his delusions related to being outside. After a few weeks of discussion and getting support from his psychiatrist, I decided to get two tickets for Ben and I. Usually Ben's specific delusions don't last for months, so I wasn't really concerned about that part being the barrier. I was more worried about other aspects of concerts being problematic for him.
For a long time, I didn't even tell Ben about the tickets. He was growing increasing bothered by the outside and his inability to be outside and how it was keeping him literally in the hospital. He spoke about his fears frequently and with much distress that I didn't want to add to his worries, but time...as you know...marches forward.
Finally in May or so, I told him about the tickets and how excited I was to go to the concert with him. His immediate response was that he couldn't go because of being outside and being in very tall rooms was too scary and dangerous. And for the next two months, that is all he would say. Ben's psychiatrist was a big fan of the whole idea and he and the staff began working to help prepare Ben for the concert. A couple of weeks ago, Ben agreed to try an additional medication (Ben takes so many medications that he really hates to add new ones for any reason.) to help perhaps reduce some of his distress outside. After a few days, it seemed to be helping and Ben began going outside into their courtyard and tolerating outside walks to the car or to their canteen with less anxiety. The week before the concert Ben went outside every day and went with me to Panda Express which were positive signs.
Before Dr. Roundy left on vacation over a week ago, he told Ben that he had written an order for him to attend the concert so Ben needed to go. Ben was still saying that he couldn't do it until last Monday, when for the first time, he said that he wanted to go to the concert and he wanted to attend the entire concert (there were two acts at the beginning) I had been trying to figure out the best way to handle the concert experience to make it successful for Ben and this was the first time he would talk about that at all. He was concerned about walking from our apartment to the venue, but Gary provided door-to door service for us.
Finally Wednesday came and I still wasn't sure how this was going to work. However, Ben seemed almost excited about the concert when I talked to him in the morning about the plans. Then, I got a text from Dr. Roundy (who was still on vacation) that the staff reported that Ben was smiling as he talked about the concert that night and seemed excited to go. That was all good news.....
AND BEN DID IT!
Despite his worries and his fears, he walked through the crowds and attended the entire concert from beginning to end. He did it without needing extra support or reassurance until after the concert was over and we were outside.
Second Intermission as we waited for Josh Groban to begin his part of the concert--
About halfway through the concert, I looked over at him and almost began to cry. I was so happy that he did it and that he now will have this memory to carry with him. I controlled my tears until I got home because I didn't want him to be alarmed or distressed--but they were happy and thankful tears.
Waiting for Gary to pick us up after the concert--
The best part of the evening was when Ben got in the car and Gary asked about what he liked in the concert and Ben was able to name several songs which had been sung and then HE began to sing the words to one of Josh Groban's songs. I haven't heard Ben sing on his own for a very long time and it truly was "music to my ears."
I asked him what he was going to do for his "next goal" since he had achieved this hard one: He told me that he was going to go outside every day and go to the pool, library, and canteen on the state hospital grounds more easily and less worry.
It was pretty fun the next day when I took him back to the unit to see the staff reach out to him about the concert and him sharing the pictures we had printed with them. The staff was so excited for him and he beamed under their attention and praise. Have I mentioned I love the staff on the Northeast Unit?
A concert may seem like a minor thing in this big world of turmoil and confusion and it is...but it was a blessing for Ben and for me and I felt God's hand in making it work--
1. When I bought the tickets, I was literally praying about what seats would be best. In dealing with the unexpected nature of schizophrenia, it is sometimes hard to plan what might be a problem for Ben or not be a problem. So in looking for seats, I didn't care about the price but what would work for Ben months in the future? I felt guided at the seats I choose and they were literally perfect! In the lower bowl, but the top back row with no one behind us and not even a walkway. We were on the end two seats and Ben was able to quickly exit for the bathroom as often as needed--due to a medical issue not known back in February when I got the tickets. The people around us were all friendly and non-threatening to Ben which was a bonus.
2. The new medication--Dr. Roundy and I had discussed trying this class of medication to give Ben some extra support for a couple of months but Ben had refused to add an additional medication. A few weeks ago, I felt prompted to ask Dr. Roundy to try again and Ben was willing and had success with the medication. Ben will say that the medication allowed him to go to the concert. I say the medication allowed Ben to make the hard decision to go to the concert even though he still felt uncomfortable.
Little things--but so grateful for Heavenly Father who answers my prayers in Ben's behalf. He hasn't taken away the war, but for one night, Ben won a battle.
Side note: You might wonder why a concert was such a big deal to me. During Ben's illness, I have read so many accounts of individuals with schizophrenia written by themselves or their family members and they often talk about that their whole lives were centered around their illness and the hospital. It was one of the reasons that I really resisted Ben being in the hospital early in his illness--I wanted his life to contain a variety of experiences--not just the hospital. Currently, he needs the support of the hospital unit, but I didn't want life's little moments like concerts to be missed entirely. Our next goal: He told me that he wants to attend General Conference in October....we will work to make that happen.
Good job, Ben. YOU DID IT!
