It was only on September 16th, that Holly (my mother-in-law) and the rest of us were informed that not only was her heart failing, but that she had cancer in her lungs and spine. On that day, she chose to go on hospice which we all supported with heavy hearts. I think we all understood it was the right choice, but it just was unexpected to us to be at this junction of the road. Charon and Mom Hall met with a hospice worker and started the process which was continued the following day at her house. She was given a set of medication to help when the time came and it was set that the nurse would come weekly until more services were needed. We felt (at least I did) that we were settling in for a long journey. I remembering thanking Heavenly Father that our mission call was to Salt Lake City--much like I felt about my own dad when we received our call in May--I was grateful to not be going to outer Mongolia with now both of our parents' health declining.
I passed Charon the following morning on the Syracuse trails while she was running and I was walking and we stopped and talked a bit about the hospice service. Charon was concerned and felt like the nurse didn't related to mom and Charon wasn't feel good about their approach. I suggested that they try three visits before making the decision to change as sometimes certain things have to be done in the first appointments and maybe it would be better on the third one---However, if the third one was bad, then we needed to fire them and find someone else.
The following Monday was the third visit---and they didn't show for the appointment time or even notify us of any change of the appointment--and it got worse from there. So despite my sweet mother-in-law's wish to give them one more chance--Charon fired them the next day and made a switch to another provider that she knew about. Andrea came on Wednesday (the 23rd--Gary's birthday) and they all hit it off great. Charon was so relieved as we all were. Wednesday was a great day with game playing, yummy desserts, and a hospice team she felt good about!
Unexpectedly for me, anyway, Mom Hall had a harder night on Wednesday night and decided to use the morphine that hospice had left to ease her breathing Thursday morning. I don't think any of us were expecting to open the morphine that early, although we were all happy that she felt confident to use it when she was not feeling well. What we all wanted was for her to be comfortable and have fun through the remainder of her life and to be able to do the things that she wanted to do. We were glad that she had access to that type of support and we were grateful for hospice and what they had provided.
Although the original plan was for weekly visits with the new hospice worker, we were concerned about Mom and asked the hospice worker to stop by. She showed up later that day and Gary and I were able to meet her as well. We liked her and felt like this was just what Mom Hall needed as well as the rest of us. Charon had a trip to Park City planned over the weekend and we sent her off with assurances that we would keep her informed and "go have a fun time with your daughters and granddaughters." At least for me, I was still feeling that we had weeks or months left and we needed to give each other breaks. Charon had spent most of the week during the day with Mom and so we convinced her to take the planned trip.
Friday and Saturday we saw significant changes in Mom Hall's mobility. She was getting weaker and sleeping more. However, she still got up each morning and got dressed for the day. Saturday Vonette and Gary Kerr came down for the day and we played card games with mom all afternoon. She was definitely beginning to struggle to stay awake between turns but she continue to be able to play the games and actually tied for the win that afternoon. We were texting updates to Charon which she said were helpful but also worried her as it sounded to her (and truly what we were seeing) that there was a definite decline over those days.
Vonette and Gary decided that someone needed to stay with Mom full-time and so Gary stayed on Saturday night. Mom Hall required some support to walk to her room and with getting ready for bed, but most of the time, she would wave me off and do it herself.
Sunday morning, we all ended up at the house again. Charon arrived early in the morning from her trip to Park City, saying she just wanted to me there. I got it. We all were feeling it, even though I think we all were feeling that she had weeks or more until she would pass away. Sunday was the first day that she actually used a walker that Charon had brought over to help walk around instead of holding on to the walls like the past few days. We all had a nice visit with Nathan and Cynthia (one of the grandsons). We did most of the talking while Mom Hall slept off and on. She was glad to have them come, although she was very clear that she didn't want the great-grandchildren to see her "this way."
After Nathan left, we invited Holly's ministering brother to come over and join with us in giving her a blessing. It was a special time to share together as Mike, Gary K., and Bro. Lloyd joined Gary as he pronounced a blessing on her. The one theme was that God was preparing for her return.
We then spent time working out the schedule for sleeping at Mom's house and covering the days as well as making a list of the things she needed to make her life easier including modifications in her shower. Assignments were given, we headed home, while Charon took the Sunday evening shift.
One feeling that was very pronounced for me on this Sunday was the strong feeling of my mom being close near me. This is only the third time that I have felt my mom in that specific way and was by far the longest period of time--it lasted through the afternoon and into the evening. Just prior to my mother passing away, I had felt the presence of my grandmother very strong in her hospital room. I was thinking I would feel something similar around Mom Hall--but with my father-in-law or my sister-in-law who have both passed away. I never felt them in that way and during the evening felt like we couldn't be that close, because I hadn't felt them near. Yet my own mom was very close.
I actually am not sure of when Charon called us and asked us to come back to the house--I think around 9:30 pm. Charon said that mom had struggled getting ready for bed and it had been a long process. She felt like her breathing was getting more difficult and thought we should come ourselves. We got there in a few minutes but Vonette and Gary live about an hour away so they had to make the long journey back through the canyon in the dark. We talked together and I think internally we were all doing what we could to prepare for what was ahead for Mom Hall and for us being left behind.
Charon had also called the hospice people. Being Sunday night, the person on call came and she was great. She assess Mom and talked to us and gave us support. She told us that her passing was coming closer, but it could be in a few minutes or a few days. All we could do was wait and make sure that she remained out of pain and peaceful. I gathered her favorite pictures of Dad Hall and Valerie and moved them into her bedroom, because I thought that we should "all" be together.
(A side note: This photography of Valerie is one that we had never seen until a couple of months ago. Valerie passed away suddenly 7 years ago on Gary's birthday. Mom and Valerie shared the same hairdresser and a couple of months ago, the hairdresser gave Mom this photo. She had taken it after Valerie had her hair done one time so that they could remember how the cut looked. What a sweet surprise. Mom Hall placed the framed photo on the table in the living room for the past few months where we could all enjoy it.)
We stayed together in her room, occasionally wandering around for water or private space. We constantly were checking her O2 levels. About midnight, Gary suggested that we head home for sleep and told his sisters to call anytime that they wanted. Just before we left, I felt prompted to tell his sisters that although we would all want to be here when she passed away, it would be okay if it didn't happen that way. "We don't always get the Hallmark moment and that is okay." I didn't want them to feel this burden of when to call us or not as they cared for their mother.
We haven't talked a lot about that night, but I know that both Charon and Vonette stayed on or near her bed all night. Charon may have slept a few minutes here and there, Vonette didn't sleep at all. They kept checking Mom's oxygen levels with our small monitor. Charon said that she would test it and then a minute or two minutes later, Vonette would reach across Mom and grab it and check her levels on another hand. Through out the night, Mom slept in a mostly non-responsive state, not apparently aware of the watchful care of these two sweet daughters. They watched the monitor as her levels of oxygen continues to lower. Just after 6:00 am, his sisters called and asked us to come. When we arrived, Mom Hall had just passed away a few minutes before. They reported that she only struggled in the last few minutes before she passed away--peacefully around 6:15 a.m.
Like Gary has said so many times, we rejoice for her. She has wanted to be with her husband for so long. She missed him and her yearning for him was well-known. She would now also see her beloved parents including her biological father who she had never met on earth because he died right before she was born. She was reunited with her daughter, Valerie and grandchild, Carmen and grand granddaughter, Hannah. Plus myriad of other family that she has loved. Her body was now no longer slowing her down. We are so happy for her.
But we are sad for ourselves--for the space that is now empty in our lives. That is the way of life and the price of loving. It is a price we are willing to pay to love people on earth. Losing someone reignites the remembrance of past losses as well--so recently of my brother-in-laws, Lance and Joe, my Aunt Zina, my new cousin, Erik, and the more distant ones of my mom, grandmother, aunts and uncles. So grateful for the gospel that provides a framework to manage sorrow and understand the purposes of why we are here. The knowledge that they still exist and that we will be reunited as we leave this earth provides such comfort at times like this.
For Mom Hall, she endured to the very end. She did each thing required of her. And she received some of her wishes---she was able to remain in her home, she never required full-time care (I suspect she heard us talking about being with her 24 hours a day and she didn't want that to happen.), she was able to meet her personal needs until the last 48 hours of her life, and she did not suffer in pain or fear at the end of her life. I realize that not all people are blessed with these wishes being met. But I am glad for Mom that she was. We acknowledge the hand of God in her life even unto the end of her earthly life.
One last thing: my post on Facebook (and some photos)--
Wayne and Holly
Picture used for engagement announcement in newspaper-
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