My Remarks At Allan's Funeral

The original plan was for Gary to speak.  He had the most personal interactions with Allan over the past many years.  Gary wrestled with it overnight and then asked me if I could speak.  He felt it was right for me to talk.  I had had some ideas already, so it seemed right to me as well.  Here is my comments:

Allan and Valerie

TO REMEMBER 

"In the Book of Mormon, there are over 200 uses of the word or variants of the word “remember.”  We are to remember God, remember ancestors from the past, remember our covenants and so forth.  Remembering is an important gift and brings us enjoyment, protects us from harm, and guides us as we move through life.

Today, aren’t we gathered for the specific purpose of remembering? One of the main purposes of a funeral is to remember—to remember and honor Allan and also to remember and honor our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ and the great plan of happiness they have given us their children. We do it in the ways that are traditional in our American culture as well as outlined by our religious beliefs.  We gather, we write an obituary-“a written remembering”, plan a funeral-“verbal rememberings”, we ordered flowers and we shared the news of his passing with family and friends. But the overriding activity that we engaged in while doing those things and in our own quiet moments is we are “remembering” Allan. 

I have learned a lot about “remembering” through knowing Allan and having him as part of our lives.  As you know, after suffering a major health crisis when he was 23, Allan was left with difficulties related to his memory and other issues.  These had a major impact on all areas of his life but especially in his ability to work as he had in the past. These problems worsened later in his life as symptoms of dementia began to appear in his 50s and even the tasks of daily living became more problematic for him.  With the help of Valerie, they developed a variety of notebooks and check off lists to help him accomplish things that needed to be done and to help him remember what he needed to do next. Watching his struggles reminded me to be more grateful for my own memories and ability to remember.

Today—I want to focus on things that Allan did remember despite all of the obstacles that made remembering difficult for him. Then I will share some of the things that people have remembered about Allan.

First: Allan “remembered” that life was filled with things which made him happy. 

Some of those things were:

·         TV shows like Gunsmoke and Maverick, Hawaii 5-O—movies as diverse as Star Wars and “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.”  He owned a huge collection of DVDs and often when you would visit at their house or later at the Care Center one of these shows might be playing in the DVD.

·         Fishing- As you can see, with this beautiful spray on his casket, Allan loved to fish.  He often went with his wife and our in-laws to lakes around the area.  How happy they were when they returned—whether or not the fish had been biting!  He even liked ice fishing—he was dedicated to that sport and remembering about fish or trips or his boat and trailer would make him happy.

·         Taco Time, El Matadors, and some Chinese place on Main Street that I can’t remember the name—Valerie and Allan loved eating at these favorite places.  I had heard about Taco Time for a number of years before I actually got invited to go to dinner there with Valerie and Allan.  The warm welcome that they got from the staff made you feel that you were with visiting royalty.  I had never seen anything like that at a fast food place.  After Valerie’s passing, I had more opportunities to eat with Allan there and it made him happy!  He knew the staff and many of the customers and everyone got a warm smile and greeting from him—and he got the usual-The Big Juan Burrito Platter!

·         Music—he especially loved the music of his growing up years—the 60s and the 70s! He could remember the lyrics of so many songs—it was unbelievable to me.  Even in the past few years, putting on music from that era would make him smile and often he would start singing along even if he hadn’t spoken more than a couple of words since we arrived.  He could recognize many songs before the words even started!  I think he loved that he could remember so many songs than me. Remembering music made him happy.

Second, Allan “remembered” that people mattered.  He did not live his life in a busy, fast-paced way filled with too much to do.  He remembered to greet people and always had time for a conversation—well, maybe not if an Oakland Raiders Game was on— In their Syracuse neighborhood, he would take walks often with their beloved dog, Annie, and visit along the way. He had a quirky sense of humor and loved to make people laugh. He liked to pay people compliments—some thing about their hair, their clothes, their cooking.  He wanted them to feel appreciated and noticed.

Third, Allan “remembered” that he loved his family.  For him, he was the proud father of seven children, and he loved each of them and their spouses---and his grandchildren were the best.  He loved having them to his house and playing with them.  Cory pointed out that Allan was a big kid at heart and so could engage in play with his grandchildren in a sweet way.  He loved building Legos, being outside in the yard with them and teaching them Ping-Pong on their table in the basement. He loved to tell us about their achievements, activities, and their band concerts.  Oh, how he LOVED that Kwin and Kamin both played the drums for the Davis High School Darts as he was also a Davis Dart!  As he aged, he struggled to remember his grandchildren’s names, but he still liked to talk about them and to remember their achievements.  Except for the last evening of his life, no matter how difficult his day had been—his eyes always lit up as he recognized us and while he didn’t put it into words as words became more and more difficult—I knew he remembered that he loved us and we loved him.  I hope that my love for each of you shines so clearly in my eyes as Allan’s did in these past few years.

Fourth, Allan always “remembered” that he loved Valerie.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that everything was always perfect, and they never fought.  They faced the ups and downs of marriage like we all do.  But Allan and Valerie—both with their own unique health problems—crafted a sweet relationship of caring and concern for each other that was special.  They needed each other to take care of their health and to meet the demands of daily life.  Instead of getting discouraged about that, they made it a strength.  They loved and took care of each other.  Losing Valerie was a bitter blow…and it certainly didn’t seem fair after all he had to deal with.  Much of his life changed as he had to give up his home, his car, and in many ways his freedom.  Through it all, he loved Valerie—missed her and yearned for the day when they would be together again.  Gary had the opportunity a few times to take Allan to Valerie’s gravesite—the place we will gather in a few minutes.  Gary felt the overpowering love, grief, and remembering that Allan felt at those moments in that special place.  Gary said that sometimes he would have to step away because he could see the depths of Allan’s feelings—a sweet and holy place.

Allan remembered what needed to be remembered—to live happy, that people matter, families are forever, and his eternal companion was there waiting.  That is a pretty good list for us all to focus our remembering on.

I liked to share a few of the comments people have shared with me as I have talked to them about Allan’s passing. The first universal response was how grateful they were that Allan no longer had to suffer followed quickly by how happy Allan must have been to see Valerie again.  After that:

From the director of the memory care unit: “…His whistle when he saw me in the hallway, him singing the Stairway to Heaven, and his howling whenever country music was played.  Oh, and don’t forget The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. Thanks so much for sharing Allan with me.

A neighbor: I am sorry to hear that –about his passing. I imagine a happy reunion taking place where they are both free of their sick bodies.

Other neighbors:  “He was the best home teacher to my family growing up.”

“He was always so good and kind to everybody.”

“Loved this man when we were in the ward together.”

“He was a sweet man.”

“I often remember Valerie and Allan and our visits through our back fence.  What a sweet reunion for them.”

Ward member:  “So sorry to hear about Allan.  He was and is a good man.”

A niece:  “Love you Uncle Allan!  Thank you for always greeting me with a kind and loving smile!  You always made me feel a part of family gatherings.  We will all miss your silliness, your warm welcomes and kindness!”

I hope that you have enjoyed your own rememberings over the past few days and today.  Use your rememberings of him to love life and find the things that make you happy; love people, especially your family; and if you have that special someone in your life—use their example of caring to strengthen your own bonds with each other.

And remember that Allan loved his Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ.  He knew that our lives mattered and continued after death.  He remembered that Christ died for us and then rose on the third day and so each of us will do the same.  He built his life on it and clung to those beliefs as he lost Valerie.  We too can remember these things and cling to them through our own trials and afflictions.  I add my testimony to Allan’s life.  God lives.  He loves us individually.  Jesus lived and died for us and through him we will live eternally and because of Him, we have access to repentance and to change.  The Church of Jesus Christ is His Church on the earth.  In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."