Happy Birthday. Ben!

Ben turned 33 on Friday, September 17th.  Unfortunately, a few days before a staff member at the state hospital had tested positive for Covid-19 and the unit was closed for visitors.  Ben seemed to handle that change with a good attitude although he was disappointed that we couldn't come down.  Unknown to him, I drove down Friday morning and met Kory, a staff administrator on his unit, and dropped off some gifts and 4 doz. donuts for the unit staff and patients to celebrate Ben's birthday.

when Ben first arrived to our family

day of his temple sealing to us in Manila Philippines Temple

Kory told me that when Ben got up that morning, the first thing he said to Kory was that it was his birthday and he was excited.  That made me so happy because Ben often struggles on his birthday because it makes him sad that he hasn't accomplished the things he had planned for his life.  Kory said then another patient asked Ben if I was bringing cupcakes "like last time,"  Apparently, this patient had been in the other unit with Ben a few years ago and remembered that we had given cupcakes then. Such a small thing but remembered by that other young man.  Amazing.

I hadn't told Ben that I was taking donuts because he doesn't like to be the center of attention, but I felt like it was going to work great.  Around lunch time, we were able to do a google meet with Ben and watch him open his presents.  It is hard to know what to get him in his present situation with his illness so unpredictable.  Included in his gifts were a world atlas and a photo book of family pictures and of Ben as he grew up.  The staff have told us that Ben has loved the atlas and is often showing them some new fact or map.  I forgot to take a picture of the google meet.  Ben had his hair cut after over a year.  It had been very thick and curly after that long of no haircuts.

Later I got this email from the psychiatrist on the unit: "The Doughnuts were great. The entire unit smiled today. You made it a better day for a lot of people. Thank you." In the weeks since then, other staff have mentioned the same thing.  Ben might not be able to notice that now, but it is what he wanted to do--make the world a better place in some small way.

This idea falls inline with some of my thoughts over the past several months.  It breaks my heart to watch this illness take away so much from Ben.  He doesn't deserve it, he had tried hard, he has avoided illegal drugs and other things which would be harmful to him and worsen his illness, he takes medications---yet in the "infuriating unfairness" of it all, he is getting sicker and sicker.  Not surprisingly, I have mentioned this in prayer from time to time :).  However, in the last few years, it has become harder and harder to pray about it.  What more can I say?  What else can I ask for?  I didn't want to repeat the same pleas over and over again.  So for months, I stopped praying about it in any depth at all.  But in a process that is longer than a blog post, I was reminded that there are not accidents in this world.  Ben came to earth and has the body that God intended him to have.  Like all of us, he needs to "fill the measure of his creation." Ben is a faithful soul.  He would be about trying to fulfill what God intended for him.  Right now, he is battling this mental illness.  It puts him in places he might never have been with people he might never have known--and us as well...and he touches them--staff and patients alike.  People in his life often share their observations of his goodness and kindness even in the middle of delusions and agitation. I have come to understand that Ben is "filling the measure of his creation" right now--not just some future date when he is made well and whole again. Gary and I are certainly changed as we have witnessed his suffering close and personal and it makes us more compassionate for all who suffer mental illnesses and their families. But others--as they work with Ben, as they are kind and compassionate to him in his suffering, and as they help and care for him, they too can be changed to better people because of him.

Is it fair that he has to suffer so others can learn and grow?  NO!  But then I remember that one greater than us all suffered ALL for each of us so that we might return to our Heavenly Father.  Where is the fairness in that great sacrifice.

I don't know all things, but I have a sense of peace that Ben is in the right place doing what God has asked him to do for reasons beyond my understanding.  My prayers for him now is that he continues to be in the right place to touch the right people to do what God needs him to do until the end of his mortal life---but that his suffering will not last one minute more than needed and if possible that healing might come in this mortal life.

Happy birthday, Ben!  We named you after the right prophet--King Benjamin--who loved his people and served them always--and the right great-grandpa who had great courage and love for his fellowmen.  You have those qualities in your heart and soul.  Love you, son, so glad to be called your mother.