Ben's Clinical

As we talk in the Church History Library, journals are some of the richest sources of history as they often recount events soon after they happen.  However, not all journals are the same.  The archivists shared examples of journals where a man never mentioned his wife in the entire 40+ journals of his life despite the fact of being married and having children with her over 40 years or other people never noting anything about the Church or their service in the Church.

I feel the same about talking about Ben and his battle with schizophrenia.  It would be weird to not talk about it from time to time, because it has such a great impact on us, on all of our family, and most of all on Ben himself.  It doesn't mean that I share everything about the day to day battles--that is Ben's story and someday perhaps he can share it.  But I think it is important to talk about Ben from time to time and keep this record of his struggles and triumphs.

So, on Monday morning, December 13, I headed down to Provo for Ben's monthly clinical meeting.  Our phone call the night before had been better than the past couple of months and I was hopeful to see that in person.  Unfortunately, as soon as I saw Ben, I realized that he was not doing well at all.  He was distracted and unable to engage in conversations which weren't related to his delusions.  Over and over, he commented that he just wanted to be home or be with Gary and I.  Clearly, a change in medication which was started over a month ago was not working and so plans were made to return to former levels of medication and try again.  (Unfortunately, the prior levels of medication were causing unhealthy side effects and can't be the solution long term, but at least, he was more able to work with the treatment team.  So they are returning to those prior levels which will take a few weeks and then try adding another medication and then trying lower the offending medication again.  It is a tricky and time consuming process as you can see.)

During the clinical, Dr. Roundy complimented Ben on his jacket more in an effort to distract Ben rather than any other reason.  Immediately, Ben told him that he could have it.  His response was so immediate and stated so clearly and earnestly that it brought tears to my eyes.  It was the bright spot of a very hard clinical.

As we were getting ready to leave, Dr. Roundy mentioned that he "had typed up notes from the meeting and sent them to me by email."  He had never done that before so I was curious, but assumed it was about some medication options we had discussed.  Despite Ben's symptoms, I invited him to go to lunch and he agreed.  He chose Arby's and we grabbed food from there through drive through because Ben remains too anxious to go outside much or into new places.  We then went back and ate our lunch in the parking lot of the state hospital.

I decided to read the email from Dr. Roundy.  This is what it said:  

"I think it says a great deal about a mom when a child is having their most difficult moments, that the child simply wants to be at home.

That your son would give me his jacket...also says a great deal about his family. Thank you for having such a wonderful son.

Kent"

And of course, I teared up which made Ben wonder why. 

We had another such moment this month when one of the techs was letting us out of the building after a visit.  He was a young adult in shorts and with a long pony tail and looked like he had had a bit of a hard life.  He said to us "Thanks for being the good people you are in the world."  I assumed it was because of the missionary badges, but then he said something to the effect, "I know Ben brings you joy, but I know it is very hard.  Thanks for loving him. He is a good guy."

I don't share these to say that I am such a great mom, but to assure you that this is the type of people who are surrounding Ben at this time.  Caring, loving people who see glimpses of the "real" Ben inside and love him and us.  In the middle of this terrible illness, Ben is seen, loved, watched over, and protected.  What a great blessing for us and for him!  I don't know all of the reasons for these terrible illnesses and I hope that someday soon a cure is found.  But I do know that people will be blessed who have shown him love and compassion despite the curious ways this illness impacts him.  And I know that Ben is able to impact others in ways that he will never know until later--me probably most of all.